This myself and everyone that I was OK,

This is going to be my first blog post for almost a month and the topic today is not going to be a happy note so far from it. I cannot believe I am doing this but I am going to open up completely today. I have been lying to myself and everyone else over the last two years, telling myself and everyone that I was OK, that I was getting better but to be honest with you I am now realizing I am not, I am not getting any better and I don’t think I can handle this all by myself anymore. I cannot deal with this emotional roller-coaster I am on anymore.I have now for the best part of the week been trying to deal with my emotions. I have for the first time since loosing Rosemary have been feeling so angry and I don’t know why. I have also had also not been sleeping and when I say not sleeping I do not joke. In the last 4 days I have slept a total of 6.5 hours out of 96 (according to my fitbit) and no matter how hard I have tried to sleep it has not worked my mind has been so busy, so cluttered.I got an email from someone yesterday about my blog as a whole and they asked ” why my blog was so depressing ” let me tell you why.Because everyday:                                                                                                                                 I get up, and pretend I’m OK and that nothing is wrong. I do this so I do not “seek attention” so that nobody knows how I really feel. I am to scared to say it, so I hide behind a smile … this is my mask. My blog is my feelings.Another thing which has really annoyed me at the moment is that people keep suggesting I seek help …. really? you think I have not tried this at all I have just decided to sit here and not try to seek help to sort out this mess which is my mind … I even get this from people who 100% should understand fellow widowers, you need to see a Councillor or therapist to which i always want to reply that they should fuck off but I digress I am to polite to do so, so instead just grin and bear it.My problem though is that I fall to fast, crash to hard, forgive too easily and I care too much. This is my downfall sometimes the amount of people I have been there for both emotionally and physically for them just to drop me as soon as they are feeling better but forget that I am still broken and no way near whole myself but hey you are better now it doesn’t matter I am that person who talks other people out of the darkness, but I have a hard time doing it for myself at the same time. I truthfully assure everyone how beautiful, lovely, wonderful and precious they all are but this is just because I don’t want them to feel the same way I do which is the complete opposite.All this though is just so superficial my problem is that I cannot on my own anymore fight my depression, anxiety and PTSD … all these have been diagnosed by the way but two years on things are just getting much worse now … my mood is so temperamental I am getting angry at people who don’t deserve it and are only trying to help which subsequently pushes them away, makes me feel so shit about it and making me feel just as lonely as I do now.I am really not liking the new me at all, I guess this is all my anger that I have bottled up for two years, anger which I thought I could control but I guess I was wrong and its all now seeping out, but this is all coming at a worst possible time as my flashbacks are becoming more and more frequent hence my very poor sleeping pattern, each night this week I have relived the beautiful morning of us both getting ready, loading my car and setting off to go on holiday which I intended to not just create more beautiful memories but to change our lives for the better and to express how much I loved Rosemary by asking her to marry me but I always get to the point of impact and wake up panting, sweating and shaking and it’s always the same each time. I try to change the outcome in the flashback I try different things but each time they get shorter and the crash happens much sooner, no matter how much I try I cannot change it and the crash still happens, the blackness still happens, the waking up panting, sweating, shaking and then bursting into tears still happen and I hate it so fucking much why will my mind not allow me to just be at peace its these flashbacks which bring back the painful memories and break my break my heart all over again every morning so far this has been my life and its fucking torture.Now this next bit is something that has only become a revelation to my Councillor after today and me just breaking down and finally telling someone about it she thought it best to get if off my chest if I felt comfortable doing so … which I don’t to be honest and I think this will make me feel very vulnerable and open to a lot of judgement so I do implore that if you will not be able to approach any of this with an open mind then please do not continue, thank you. This is not a new revelation to me but to everyone else reading this will be and I will say firstly that I am so sorry to anyone who finds this very upsetting my actions are never with the intent of upsetting anyone to all who I know whether new friends or old friends I am sorry but please just approach this with an open mind and with love in your heart.So here goes … over the last year, just after Christmas and not being able to calm my mind down I went down a very dark path and started to self harm. If no one has notices the marks on my right arm that was only the beginning, I then started to and still do cut my thighs that way no one knows or is aware of me doing it. To begin with it was very infrequent because it hurt so much but as time has got on it is hurting less physically which helps but does not help as the only reason I do it is to create physical pain to distract me from my mental pain even though it doesn’t last long it’s the only pain I am in control in at the moment. Now when I put it like that it sounds so simple so let me go deeper, it takes so much for a person to come to the point that they want to hurt themselves. I do it in reaction to feeling worthless, empty and then feeling even more empty because I am having to hurt myself to give me a brief perception of reality because if i did not life would never feel real.I am now going to describe what it is like to cut.Go to the beach and walk in the water, blindfolded. you just keep walking, you don’t know where you’re going. you just know that you are going deeper. that’s what the build up to the cuts are like. you don’t know where you are going depression has blindfolded you. All you know is that you are going deeper. Now just keep going until you are drown. You want air, you want relief you don’t want to be drowning anymore. now imagine the relief when someone pulls you out of the water. That is what cutting is, relief. relief from all the pain you have been drowning in. Relief from not feeling good enough. relief from feeling you are a burden on the people around you, relief from all your insecurities and anxiety. You may find cutting discussing and you may never understand it but when you are drowning, you need saving, you need relief. So what is cutting like? It’s relief.Now I am aware that this is very dark but I have to show people how I am managing to remain calm, silent and somehow always smiling and this is how but I am worried where all this is leading me as I do not want to die but I just want the pain to stop but it’s not it’s getting so much worse … I am fighting a loosing battle with myself as my mind is always split in two, one side wants to shut down and self harm and the other wants me to hold on to whatever sanity I am still attached too. I am aware that self-harm can lead to suicide and sometimes I feel like it will. I am trying to be strong for everyone around me but I cannot do it on my own anymore I have help from professionals, I have more medications than a pharmacy but it is not working for me.I’m sorry to everyone for not being strong enough and I feel like this is all my fault for allowing my mind to take control instead of me controlling it so I am so sorry.I visited Rosemary this afternoon and spent about three hours with her just talking and apologising to her for being such a failure.I’m running a bath now at 21:47 I need to wash the dry blood off my legs and try to sleep.It is 52 days until the goodbye I never got to say, the goodbye we never wanted to say, the final kiss we never got to have and I’m sorry Rosemary, I’m sorry I am not strong enough for you … but I just love you so much to say goodbye

x

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I'm Mary!

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